So, it was my first week on my new and wow, OT everyday. Haha. I expected this, but not every single day of the week.
Anyways, I'm writing this post because I have a few things on my mind that I want to share.
I needed to reflect on my first week and yup, I have so many things to focus on. Like every other company, I'm on 6 months probation and I hope by my 6th month, I've improved a lot. I will try to catch up, but I can't help but feel a little nervous at this point. I want to be able to contribute, but I still have a lot to learn about the ad industry. I have to act and be an "art director" now. I don't mean to place so much pressure on myself, but I want to be excellent like my other team mates. I want to be unstoppable. I want my teammates to rely on me too.
It's going to be all okay, Carms. You know your weaknesses, but you also know your strengths. Let's use them now.
Of course I can't show the whole e-mail because that's just rude, but I can show the part of the message that completed my whole week. A designer messaged us and asked a question. I took the case and I replied. He responded with such a kind heart and it's people like this that makes going to work so worth it.
Yes, there are people who are aggressively rude and annoying, but then you bump into the few that are so kind and understanding that they take the negative feelings away. I had a really emotional week. I have to admit, I composed myself pretty well, but yah, I had a tough and emotional week with my personal life. Today, I read this person's response and because i was able to shed some light into his life, he was able to shed some light in mine. It's such a great feeling when you allow strangers to help you find positive vibes. It's really all about the little things sometimes. What a great way to end my week!
On a side note, I'm really happy with this company. They're all such great people and I will thank them one day because they all deserve to be praised for what they do.
Alright, so for the past few weeks, my mom has been going in and out of medical appointments. She went for a colonoscopy. She had some xray thingy majig. My dad was accompanying her to all of them. I wasn't alarmed because she seemed fine. She was also telling me she was just having some check ups. I was also starting my first week at work, so I was pretty focused on that (and excited too!) She'd tell me to pray there's nothing wrong, but she was telling me all those things the same way she tells me to pray everyday. As far as I knew, My mommy was okay.
A couple of Thursdays ago, while I was eating dinner, she sat down with me and told me what was up. The doctor found a chunk of mass in her colon and it might be Cancerous. Yah, okay, i continued eating my dinner and nodded, but deep inside my heart stopped. I felt like a boulder just hit me and I was doing my best to stay calm cos showing intense emotions isn't my forte. She continued talking and telling me if she had cancer, she didn't want Chemo. While waiting for the results, dad would buy her all these drinks like Green Tea and stuff to [probably] find ways to slow it down IN CASE it was a positive result. No wonder my dad was been calm and collected for the past few weeks. I found it a bit odd that he hasn't lost his temper with me cos you know... I still piss off my parents with the little annoying things I do from time to time. Anyways, towards the end of our little talk, she told me the results were negative. Whew. BUT. She had to undergo surgery to remove the mass so it doesn't evolve into cancer. Okay, my heart and brain could chill.
So, mom was going to spend a few days to a week in Manila Med Hospital to have her surgery. Why there? Cos her friend Doctor is a resident over there and that made everyone in the family feel more positive. Monday night, I hugged and kissed her cos I wouldn't be able to see her off since i had work. It was all good.
Tuesday night comes along and she was finally on her way from surgery. Dad called while I was on my way home from work to tell me she was okay and she was about to head for the Operating Room. The surgery was a success and I got to see her Wednesday night. To make this really long story short, she's still at the hospital and recovering, but she'll be home by Wednesday this week and that makes me really happy.
Okay, so telling the story of my mom isn't the only purpose of this entry.
I have this really odd way of showing I care for someone. I also have a really weird way of showing how afraid I am. When my brain and heart are afraid, I don't allow myself to show it. I hide it so well, until I'm told the most final news, which I received today. My mom's biopsy is negative for cancer and now, all the anger, fear, and sadness can go away. I wanted to visit her every day, but my heart couldn't take seeing my mom sick. I have this weird tendency to release my anger most when I'm full of fear. I released it towards my sister the other day because I was so afraid that I could lose my mom. I stayed away from all my friends because I didn't know how to confront my emotions. I was afraid I would blow up over the dumbest things. I'm fine at work though because I'm constantly thinking and moving, but at home, it hits me because I'm alone. I didn't know who to run to or talk to about this because... well, i just don't know who could give me a hug and be there for me. I guess a part of me was slowly preparing myself for the worst. I feel so grateful that everything is okay.
While everyone was expressing their concern through prayers and messages, I was silently and patiently waiting for what could happen, keeping everything in me in tact and hidden. I was at work when my Aunt called to tell me everything is going to be okay. It's only now that I'm alone I get to cry and feel so relieved because my mom is okay.
The fear of losing my mom like this was the worst. I can't even imagine what I would do if it was the other way around. I don't even want to think about it now. I'm just so thankful that she's coming home soon. I love you, Ma. Not yet, okay? Stay strong because I still need you in my life. You and dad can't go anywhere because I'm not prepared for the world yet. I still have so many things to learn from you both. You still need to walk Reesie and I down the aisle and play with your grandkids. There's still so much in life we have to experience together.
I went through a tough phase of having no clients and no work for about 3 months and it killed a part of me. My confidence went down and I realized how my brain was becoming more negative by the day. I was being tortured mentally because I wasn't used to being so financially unstable. I started relying on my parents for pocket cash and yup, I was so down. I was feeling some sort of shame and I couldn't take it anymore. I made the decision to give in to corporate slavery because I couldn't live that way anymore. I needed a consistent income, especially if I wanted to get somewhere someday. I also couldn't let go of my whole, "GO GET IT AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!" mindset. I started looking for design jobs that paid relatively well for a first time 'office person'. DesignCrowd contacted me and i went through 2 rounds of interviews. At the end, I totally got the job. YES! *fist bump
The biggest questions in my head were,  Am I going to stay happy?  Will I be able to keep up in an office setting because I know I don't do well in that area, especially if it's all day long?
It's my 3rd day today and I could say I see myself with this company. I'm doing some training at the moment, but the more they tell me about the company, the more I realize I made the right choice. I made the decision of finally straying away from the graphic design labor work [24/7] and find something that'll allow me to work WITH design. I still create things and work with clients, but my main focus is to potentially reach executive levels in the design industry. I'm always going to love drawing and working with photoshop, illustrator, and indesign. I'm always going to enjoy Art and Design, but it's time I do something more challenging and not be responsible for making designs all the time.
I'm enjoying the atmosphere and goals of this company. They have a good way of keeping their clients, designers, and employees happy, which is what I've been wondering about for a few months. This is a really good opportunity and I hope I grow with these guys. This is awesome! It's a little funny because I come home tired from all the information overload, but I wake up excited to go to work because I'm so ready to learn more and contribute my insights with these guys. The people in the office are so laid back and awesome, it's hard not to smile! They're a bunch of open minded people and I really like that. Good luck, Carms! Do what you need to do! Woot! Now that I think about it, I didn't really give in to 'Corporate Slavery' because these guys give a different meaning to the corporate world. They give importance to their employees. I really love that about these guys. They're really doing an amazing job.
2015 wasn't as exciting as my other years. However, it's the year I realized I'm more of a realist / idealist and believer. This only led to making sure I stand my ground and not give in to popular opinion. I definitely had mini-wars and debates with myself because I had to make sure I wasn't living as a close-minded fool. I get where I'm absolutely at and as the year ends, I realize my choice of lifestyle will probably lead me into having a much peaceful and controlled life. I love that.
You see, this year, Life did throw me so many curve balls. Just when I thought my life was going according to plan, things changed and it dragged me down. At the beginning, I was controlling myself pretty well. I was making sure I wasn't going down some mental and emotional downward spiral. I was doing my best not to let out my frustrations on others. I was doing all I can not to breakdown. However, one really bad moment triggered all the sadness to come pouring out of me and it took me a while to climb back out and gain momentum back into my life. I finally reached out and asked for some support and help from my parents. I went out of my way to meet with friends, ask some advice, and allow them to make me laugh. I don't really go out on Sundays, but one of my good friends had a birthday party. So, instead of staying home, I went and I felt something I haven't felt in a long long time. I felt a sense of belonging. I loved socializing and meeting new people. I love testing grounds when it comes to who I am, especially when I'm outside of my house. I love making people laugh and hearing what they have to say. I love listening to other people's journeys and making sure they feel empowered and positive with the road they choose to take. I love making people feel loved and accepted for who they are. There's just so much things I forgot while I was feeling very sad. I'm so glad that I'm ending this year with a positive and hopeful heart and mind.
At the end of the day, stand your ground. It's going to be difficult. It's going to kick your bum until your in so much pain. BUT. You're going to be okay. You need to believe in that and make sure you do all you can to make sure you come out stronger and better. It doesn't happen overnight, but you need it give it your all. You can't use 'things' to improve your personal growth. The answers are all within, so open up your mind and see the many possibilities.
So, 2015, you weren't the best, but you taught me valuable lessons. Time to move on to 2016! I hope and pray for a very good year. A year where I can be more of myself and learn to love harder and better than I did in 2015.
Do you ever have those moments where your mind is on overdrive because you feel so passionate about something? I'm on that roll right now. I tried to sleep because I'm feeling very tired, but my mind won't let me. It's all because I've been feeling something very strong and powerful lately. I guess it's that time my mind, heart, and body are all screaming these words at the same time: "What the hell are you waiting for?" While building with Lego, I Really Want It by A Great Big World played on my Spotify. It amplified everything that's been on my mind and I couldn't push it away anymore. Talk about perfect timing...
I don't know about you, but I'm so positive and sure about myself. I think I've done enough soul searching already. If I do anymore, I'll just keep going in circles. I know exactly who I am. I know my weaknesses and strengths. I also know what drives me absolutely insane. In short, I'm so ready to change my life again. There are so many things right now that are causing me emotional turmoils and spasms of angst. To sum up everything, I am bottling up so much right now and I know exactly what this does to me. Before I explode and do something stupid, I know I have to get ahead of my issues and do SOMETHING. This is where it's all coming from. I'm fed up of being in this place and it's not the kind where I can push it away and laugh about it. Nope. I'm actually at the end of my rope and I need to do something HUGE. There are a list of things I've been wanting to do, but I've been so skeptical because there aren't enough signs to push me to do it (or things happen and I need to push them aside for a bit until I get my shiznit together). There are also a list of things that I want to stay away from, but it's always in my face. I believe it's time to really do something to push them all away because it's suffocating me to no end. I need to break free from all of this. I really do.
Now? I'm going to get what I want. I'm going to figure it all out and just fight my way through it all because there's no use in waiting. I'm ready to face the consequences because, at least, I tried. I'm ready to break and hurt, just to pick myself up again, because I can. I'm ready to just move my ass because the person I am right now? I'm not happy with this person. This person needs to get away and find exactly what she's looking for. I know what I want, I just need to fill in the details.
Things that didn't bother me before are now creeping into my life and it's really funny because I thought this would never happen. There are things that make more sense now than it did before. The pressure is finally hitting me and wow, it's one heck of a ride. There are things i want to bad right now, I can't sit down and wait for them to come around. I'm making the decision to go get them and finally do something for myself. Don't get me wrong, I do things for myself... but this is different. This isn't about someone bringing me down and I have something to prove. This isn't how someone has crap dangling in front of me and I have this smug look on my face. This is a physical act. What I'm looking for is a GIGANTIC move that will shock me like crazy. I need that boulder of truth to fall on top of me because my life right now... I actually hate where I'm at. Yes, Hate. There are a few things I love, but if you were to ask me about the overall? Nope. I need to get out of this and I'm going to do whatever it takes.
Life is so much bigger and better than this. I know it. Now, it's time to go get it.
When I was younger, my parents would always tell me, "one day, you will understand." This would bother me because I didn't know why their way of making me feel better was to give me this cryptic saying that I couldn't understand. One day, I will understand... such great words towards the angsty teenager who was still trying to figure out life! Haha. But, yup, they were right. The 'ONE DAY' they kept talking about came around and today, I'm at a place where I finally understand because I experienced the fall.
I was cleaning my room around a week ago and I found this book called "Children's Letters to God". I bought it years ago. I flipped through it and this letter struck a chord in me. When I read this, I thought of the events and people who represent the stars in my life. I also thought of the events that tested the most valuable parts of me, like my self-worth, integrity, and dignity. Events that taught me lessons you can't learn in a classroom. People who taught me what life is really all about. People who allowed me to make mistake after mistake, but never gave up on me. So, I say, "God, it's great you always get the stars in the right places."
These people who I see as stars are beautiful, just like the real stars we see at night. They're beautiful because they are the ones who really inspire me. They are the ones who guided me through the toughest times. They keep me grounded. They fight back with love when I'm wrong. They care. How can I not see them as beautiful? How cheezeballs of me to say all these things, but I can't deny the truth when it's staring right at me.
What I'm really trying to say is all these events and people I see as stars came in at the right time. Some stars have died or moved on, but they all come and go at the right time. All my friends who I cherished and left taught me about my anger issues and how I need to control them (ALL THE TIME). All the events that lifted me up taught me how to stay strong and not give in to popular opinion. There are so many 'stars'. I don't regret anything. I'm truly amazed at how life turned out to be even if it gets hard from time to time. It's all so damn wonderful and I'm very grateful.
I'm so far from being a pessimist. I'm really far from being a dreamer. I'm not really a realist, maybe I'm an idealist. I could be an extremist, but I enjoy minimalism. One thing I know is I'm a complete believer. I'm saying this because I believe in chances and hope.
I'm talking about this because when I look at my life as a whole, it's not the most perfect story. When I look into the mirror, I don't think I'm the person everyone would want to look like, but I believe that I'm enough for the world to appreciate. I don't compare my life to others because what I have is actually good enough. As a whole, my life is perfect the way it is and I know there's always going to be space for improvement and chances, only because I BELIEVE.
I finally graduated with a degree last December and I was so happy because it was about time! Everyone my age was already working and earning so much! I did feel like I was being left behind by my peers. I was thinking "oh my god... how long will it take me to reach their level?" But I kept believing. I believed that one day a chance is going to come enter my life and I'm going to be just fine. I sent out so many resumes (i'm pretty sure I reached the 500 mark). No one was replying. I was starting to feel insecure and wondered why... I believed in my talents and skills. I had to do something. I started freelancing and putting my works out there. I gave it my all. I started getting promising clients and I started telling myself it was a good start. After 3 months of doing this, I was contacted and asked to fix a start up company's branding and identity. Next thing i know, my ticket was booked. Next thing I know, I'm doing more than branding. I'm handling clients and talking about Marketing Strategies. Next thing I know, I'm sitting with the boss and we're talking about how to make this company grow. Now, we're booking tickets to Hong Kong to take part in a conference. We're talking about Australia and attending an Innovation Symposium. In short, I'm doing what I believed in. I believe that I'm worth it and here I am. I'm being given tasks that would take YEARS for some designers. I know I'm lucky, but this is incredible. Super duper incredible.
I know that I love working with people. I learned how to communicate with clients and get them excited over projects. Even while I was studying, I took the initiative to talk to people in the industry to understand the ins and outs of branding. I knew I was the kind of person who could be all over the place... like a jack of all trades. I knew I was a little bi-polar when it came to my attitude towards design. BUT, I believed in my talent. I pushed myself so much. I would never stop learning about design. I kept venturing out and looking for books that could help me establish my stand on design. I practiced Photoshop and Illustrator. I learned the things I was never taught by my professors. I put my whole heart and soul into learning more and more. I knew it wasn't a good idea to spend a lot of money, but I always told myself buying books and tutorials is an investment to my future. Now, I'm reading on Content Strategy, Mobile App Design, etc etc. I keep searching and reading on the layouts and styles. This is neverending and I love it! I know I'm doing all of this because I believe I can make things happen. I believe this is who I am. Today, I can say it was all worth it.
I know I have a lot to work on because I really am all over the place sometimes... but when it comes to the things that matter most to me, I know I can handle myself. I know I can calm my brain down and say HEY CARMS, CALM DOWN! Focus! Do your best! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Always believe in yourself. Believe in the things that will bring out the best in you, NOT the things that are selfish and superficial. Your body can feel like it's giving up, but the mind does wonders when you push it. Everyone around you can make you feel inferior or tell you how wrong you are, but when you believe in something you know is good for you... there's always a solution.
Yup, why Beats never impressed me. I couldn't believe something with such BAD quality costs $100+ and I honestly think people don't know how to tell the difference between good and bad products. As long as it's a "designer brand", they'll buy it.
I found these articles, all from respectable online sources:
It's a shame that people don't understand these things. Why spend so much money on something that distorts sound? Why do "musicians" fall for these schemes? It doesn't make sense to me why people spend so much money or find these stuff impressive when NO PART OF IT is actually impressive. It's really just the name! Next time you see Beats, tell yourself it costs $14 to make, but you're paying a whole lotta money for it.