Just Thinking: Cancer Alert
Alright, so for the past few weeks, my mom has been going in and out of medical appointments. She went for a colonoscopy. She had some xray thingy majig. My dad was accompanying her to all of them. I wasn't alarmed because she seemed fine. She was also telling me she was just having some check ups. I was also starting my first week at work, so I was pretty focused on that (and excited too!) She'd tell me to pray there's nothing wrong, but she was telling me all those things the same way she tells me to pray everyday. As far as I knew, My mommy was okay.
A couple of Thursdays ago, while I was eating dinner, she sat down with me and told me what was up. The doctor found a chunk of mass in her colon and it might be Cancerous. Yah, okay, i continued eating my dinner and nodded, but deep inside my heart stopped. I felt like a boulder just hit me and I was doing my best to stay calm cos showing intense emotions isn't my forte. She continued talking and telling me if she had cancer, she didn't want Chemo. While waiting for the results, dad would buy her all these drinks like Green Tea and stuff to [probably] find ways to slow it down IN CASE it was a positive result. No wonder my dad was been calm and collected for the past few weeks. I found it a bit odd that he hasn't lost his temper with me cos you know... I still piss off my parents with the little annoying things I do from time to time. Anyways, towards the end of our little talk, she told me the results were negative. Whew. BUT. She had to undergo surgery to remove the mass so it doesn't evolve into cancer. Okay, my heart and brain could chill.
So, mom was going to spend a few days to a week in Manila Med Hospital to have her surgery. Why there? Cos her friend Doctor is a resident over there and that made everyone in the family feel more positive. Monday night, I hugged and kissed her cos I wouldn't be able to see her off since i had work. It was all good.
Tuesday night comes along and she was finally on her way from surgery. Dad called while I was on my way home from work to tell me she was okay and she was about to head for the Operating Room. The surgery was a success and I got to see her Wednesday night. To make this really long story short, she's still at the hospital and recovering, but she'll be home by Wednesday this week and that makes me really happy.
Okay, so telling the story of my mom isn't the only purpose of this entry.
I have this really odd way of showing I care for someone. I also have a really weird way of showing how afraid I am. When my brain and heart are afraid, I don't allow myself to show it. I hide it so well, until I'm told the most final news, which I received today. My mom's biopsy is negative for cancer and now, all the anger, fear, and sadness can go away. I wanted to visit her every day, but my heart couldn't take seeing my mom sick. I have this weird tendency to release my anger most when I'm full of fear. I released it towards my sister the other day because I was so afraid that I could lose my mom. I stayed away from all my friends because I didn't know how to confront my emotions. I was afraid I would blow up over the dumbest things. I'm fine at work though because I'm constantly thinking and moving, but at home, it hits me because I'm alone. I didn't know who to run to or talk to about this because... well, i just don't know who could give me a hug and be there for me. I guess a part of me was slowly preparing myself for the worst. I feel so grateful that everything is okay.
While everyone was expressing their concern through prayers and messages, I was silently and patiently waiting for what could happen, keeping everything in me in tact and hidden. I was at work when my Aunt called to tell me everything is going to be okay. It's only now that I'm alone I get to cry and feel so relieved because my mom is okay.
The fear of losing my mom like this was the worst. I can't even imagine what I would do if it was the other way around. I don't even want to think about it now. I'm just so thankful that she's coming home soon. I love you, Ma. Not yet, okay? Stay strong because I still need you in my life. You and dad can't go anywhere because I'm not prepared for the world yet. I still have so many things to learn from you both. You still need to walk Reesie and I down the aisle and play with your grandkids. There's still so much in life we have to experience together.
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