I was talking to one of my very very best friends a while ago and we poured our hearts out about all the itsy bitsy things that are eating us up or confusing us or exciting us or... ok, so everything and anything that makes our little hearts go nutso (in both good and bad ways haha). I opened up about some personal things and he told me something that led to an important question. After all that, I was thinking, "Hmmm okay, so they all have a point." He said, "The problem is you're really hard to read most of the time. The world can tell when you're angry or hyperactively happy, but no one can tell what you're feeling when it comes to every other emotion. You have the same facial expression when you're nervous, sad, annoyed, confused, etc. You shut up when it comes to the BIG stuff." The question he asked was, "why?" That statement and question came around because we were talking about dating and partnership. Like I said, I poured my heart out to him about my thoughts on this topic and it led to me telling him how every single partner I've had has wondered what I was truly feeling and thinking.
I don't really know why. I think it's because I have some sort of wall? I think it's because I really am a tough cookie? I think it's because of my personality and attitude? Or maybe it's my defense mechanism? Or maybe it's my way of testing everyone around me because I don't really like wasting time? Or maybe it's really who I am to not give away too much because I just don't? I don't really know, but whatever it is, I think when it comes to partnership, my attitude needs to tone down a lot or I need some kind of 360 degrees change. After all that self-realization, our conversation led to.... "so what are you searching for in someone? We're not getting any younger, you know? What's the plan, dude?" I never gave this a lot of thought because I don't believe in 'Ironclad Planning'. Do I want to get married? If the right one comes along. Do I want kids? I don't know, but it's a nice thought. Do I want to commit forever and forever? Hmmm... not really? because the right one hasn't proven himself worthy. Do I want to be the old dog lady? Sounds fine because dogs make me happy. But then my friend shook my brain a little bit and straight out told me, "That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if you love yourself enough to know what you deserve from a partner and what you can offer him." This was the earth shaker, man. I actually was pushed into thought.
I'm blogging about this because I feel like it's my first step into finally opening up about what's really happening inside my brain. Without the overly sappy weird crap and the i-want-to-please-my-parents list of perfect boyfriend-potential husband, I know what I want. Here's the top 10 list.
There you go. That's my top 10! I guess that answers my friend's question... I'm looking for someone like that. Maybe i've met him before? Maybe I haven't? Maybe we dated before or we haven't? I don't know yet, but damn, if you're around, bring it on.
Lastly, I'm never going to give up that list. I'm not going to lower my standards just because I want someone to love me back. That list only exists because I have self-respect, dignity, and love in my heart. He's out there. I know it. When he comes around, he's going to make me feel like I'm out of my league, but it's all good... cos he'll know how to shut me up.