This is probably the most girly entry... ever.

I was talking to one of my very very best friends a while ago and we poured our hearts out about all the itsy bitsy things that are eating us up or confusing us or exciting us or... ok, so everything and anything that makes our little hearts go nutso (in both good and bad ways haha). I opened up about some personal things and he told me something that led to an important question. After all that, I was thinking, "Hmmm okay, so they all have a point." He said, "The problem is you're really hard to read most of the time. The world can tell when you're angry or hyperactively happy, but no one can tell what you're feeling when it comes to every other emotion. You have the same facial expression when you're nervous, sad, annoyed, confused, etc. You shut up when it comes to the BIG stuff." The question he asked was, "why?" That statement and question came around because we were talking about dating and partnership. Like I said, I poured my heart out to him about my thoughts on this topic and it led to me telling him how every single partner I've had has wondered what I was truly feeling and thinking. 

I don't really know why. I think it's because I have some sort of wall? I think it's because I really am a tough cookie? I think it's because of my personality and attitude? Or maybe it's my defense mechanism? Or maybe it's my way of testing everyone around me because I don't really like wasting time? Or maybe it's really who I am to not give away too much because I just don't? I don't really know, but whatever it is, I think when it comes to partnership, my attitude needs to tone down a lot or I need some kind of 360 degrees change. After all that self-realization, our conversation led to.... "so what are you searching for in someone? We're not getting any younger, you know? What's the plan, dude?" I never gave this a lot of thought because I don't believe in 'Ironclad Planning'. Do I want to get married? If the right one comes along. Do I want kids? I don't know, but it's a nice thought. Do I want to commit forever and forever? Hmmm... not really? because the right one hasn't proven himself worthy. Do I want to be the old dog lady? Sounds fine because dogs make me happy. But then my friend shook my brain a little bit and straight out told me, "That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if you love yourself enough to know what you deserve from a partner and what you can offer him." This was the earth shaker, man. I actually was pushed into thought.  

I'm blogging about this because I feel like it's my first step into finally opening up about what's really happening inside my brain. Without the overly sappy weird crap and the i-want-to-please-my-parents list of perfect boyfriend-potential husband, I know what I want. Here's the top 10 list. 

1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. I need someone who knows how to control every single damn thing in his mind and body,then he'll get my meaning of respect. I want him to understand that I'm not the kind of girl who puts out. I'm not the kind of girl who doesn't think. I don't care how hot you are, you will mean nothing to me if you don't understand I HAVE VALUE. I am a living being. I have so much value.
2. Get down on it! I need a man who can control me. This is where I go all skeptical because IT'S JUST SO HARD TO FIND. Because of my strong personality, I come off as... haha, aggressive, outspoken, and (apparently) annoyingly opinionated. This is all weird, cos I'm such a softy... hahaha. Show me a anything cute, even a damn cute eraser that looks like a sushi roll, i go nuts. Show me ANY animal and i'll be all "OMG, I WANT TO HUG IT!" But yah, I do need someone who can control me when my strong personality comes out. Someone who knows how to shut me up when I'm totally wrong. Someone who can match up to me and put me in my place. 
3. He's got groove. He needs a strong personality, but isn't aggressively mean. I have strong opinions and thoughts. I like to debate. I like talking about many many things and if he doesn't have personality, it's all going to fail. I'm the kind of girl who will dance on the sidewalk because I'm hearing Shake It Off (Taylor Swift). I'm the kind of person who will get all big eyed and excited in theme parks, but I'm also the kind of person who can sit down in a cafe and debate with you why Abortion is just CRUEL or why posting photos of dead kids on facebook is WRONG. 
4. Make it a better place. I need someone who understands that I want to help change the world. I love being compassionate. This really changed my whole life and I don't ever want it to go away. He needs to inspire, help, and support me on this. I want him to take part in my plans to help change the world. I want him to give away so much and ask nothing in return. I can't date someone selfish... 
5. "My soul and mind are starving for deep, rich, authentic, stimulating, intellectual, spiritual conversation." This one has to be over-flowing. I'm sorry, but I can't date ANYONE who is dull. I need someone who will TALK to me about everything and anything with SUBSTANCE. I think I've already cracked the code on human interaction and I really don't have a hard time knowing when someone is just riding my wave... or has nothing to say but wants to sound smart... or wants to look smart, but actually has nothing to contribute. Bring it, politics, religion, tv shows, music, geekery, nerdist, go for it. I want to learn too! TEACH ME SOMETHING, MAN! Come on! I want someone who can communicate with me... 
6. Coffee & Cigarettes. I can't date anyone who's all "oh crap, i'm going to get cancer" or "Yuck, smoking is bad. It's blah blah blah." Nope. Look okay? I don't drink a lot. I go through months without a single drop of alcohol. I don't take drugs. I don't gamble. I don't have a vice that will send me to jail. So leave my relationship with coffee and cigs alone, please. You don't hear me telling you to STOP being a mindless human being or a self-obsessed attention seeking nincompoop, right? You think cigarettes will kill me, well, I think your narcissism and selfishness kills your brain. Case closed.  
7. He's got lotsa soul. He has an artistic side, which makes him passionate. I need someone who understands why I'm so passionate about the things i love. Why I go crazy over my hobbies and I will go through earth's ends to be one of the best. I need someone who will shower me with help and inspiration to get better at what I love, even if he doesn't care about it cos you know what? I'll do the same for him. Passion is so DAMN important to me. I believe the power of Passion is spiritual. It makes two bodies connect in ways no one else, but the two, understand. I want that so much. 
8. It's all about Change, baby. Someone who is open to change and is willing to open me up to change. This is tricky, but I feel like this is what makes partnership AWESOME (like Lego!) We both have to open each other up to change. We both need to know when to take down our pride. All out of love and care for each other, you know? It's as simple as that.
9. Green Grass. He needs to make me believe in the better side of life, especially when I'm getting all hyped up and angry about something. AND NO, he doesn't do the whole "Relax, calm down. You're getting hyped up." Please. He'll figure this one out. He has to. 
10. KA-BOOM. He is willingly open to a challenging match on a field, court, game, and pretty much everything. Ok, this one is like my biggest, i dont even know what word to use. I like a good match and I get a little cocky... haha. But I love it all! This is when I really get to bond with my partner. ESPECIALLY IN GAMING. I don't mind losing and making him win SOMETIMES, but that whole manhood crap, you know? Where the girl has to be submissive to her man stuff? Yah, NOT when it comes to games. I want him to give me his best moves so I can feel the challenge. I actually want him to kick my ass cos I know a lot of people don't. If we're playing Football and I"m the goalie, give me your best kick and shot. I want him to challenge me. 

There you go. That's my top 10! I guess that answers my friend's question... I'm looking for someone like that. Maybe i've met him before? Maybe I haven't? Maybe we dated before or we haven't? I don't know yet, but damn, if you're around, bring it on. 

Lastly, I'm never going to give up that list. I'm not going to lower my standards just because I want someone to love me back. That list only exists because I have self-respect, dignity, and love in my heart. He's out there. I know it. When he comes around, he's going to make me feel like I'm out of my league, but it's all good... cos he'll know how to shut me up.