It's been long since I brought up the fall out between my friends and I, but earlier today, I was cleaning my "memory box" and I saw a lot of the photos/ letters/ snippets my ex-best friends gave me. I would be totally heartless if I said I didn't start missing the good ol' days.
I don't regret anything because I made a choice. I obviously learned from my mistakes, but there are many things that haven't changed (and I don't think it ever will.) Maybe one day my old friends will understand, especially the ones that mattered most, but until then, "the show goes on." Life goes on and it won't stop.
The fall out was all about facts and of course it blew up to endless proportions because of non-confrontational arguments and backstabbing. Aw man, it hurt like crazy! Back then, I thought life couldn't get any worse. I had to deactivate all my online accounts because that's what my therapist/psychologist advised me to do. I was off the grid for some time, but one day, I told myself, "what the hell, man. Bring it." Was it ego that drove me into getting back online? Nope. It was the epiphany. I searched so deep within myself and I really had to ask who am I? Where did I stand? etc. In conclusion, I shook and tested every foundation of my belief system and self-worth. What came out of it? I realized how tired I was of being angry. Your mind and body can only take so much and I knew (I TOTALLY 100% ABSOLUTELY KNEW) all the hate, pain, and anger that was going on was only making me weak. I remember opening up to my dad and he gave me one of the best advises a parent could give their kid. He said, "You are the only person who is in full control of your life." This opened up so much possibility and hope. I realized that the bullying and hate that was being given to me are only words. I had to stand up. I had to figure out a way on how to fight back. What did I figure out? Kindness. Kindness was the ultimate answer and wow, it changed my whole life.
Another thing that dawned upon me (and it's still proving itself right) was how age plays a role. I was 25 back then and now, I'm 27... the older you get the less time you have to deal with people's aggression. I guess I was at the turning point of knowing how bullying and insecurity were dumb. I use the word dumb because life doesn't wait around for you to man up. I had to accept that I was bullied so I always had this defense mechanism to make sure no one steps on me, but it gets old. It gets old fast. What did I learn? Forgiveness. These people can blame me and hate on me as hard as they can, but I know at the end of the day, I'm going to forgive them. I learned that Forgiveness is one of the most powerful keys to Happiness. I can't deny that because when I finally forgave them, I was able to shock myself with things I thought I could never accomplish. Then comes the understanding of who I genuinely was, I'm strong. I finally had the front row seat of who I was. I was able to stand up against them without ever saying one negative thing about them. I was able to move on and actually brought out the compassionate person that's always been inside of me. What happened? I'm happier when I give. Yup, this is exactly where I need to be.
Although, the #1 lesson is the best one, if you ask me. I promised I would never hate on anyone, no matter what they've pulled off because you have no idea what they're going through. It's never my business to know why someone can be so mean to another person, as long as I show sympathy. The truth is actually this - you don't have to be the negative mean one. It doesn't do anything, especially for you. All this led to me to not listen when someone is saying really mean things about someone else. I can take jokes here and there, but when people are deliberately trying to sabotage someone else, I walk away. It's become my life. Even on places like Facebook, I don't post or talk about people that way anymore (but it's a different story when it's nature and wildlife preservation! When it comes to the extinction, i'm going to speak up!).
I'm going to sound like a hippy when I say this... but I believe in Love and Kindness more than anything in this whole world. Thing is... I've always believed in those things, but I was too angry with the world to take action. People will always have the chance to change and be better and the person has FULL CONTROL over it. You don't need anyone's approval. Now, I'm nodding and telling myself, "dude, I'm hella proud of you."