So, last Saturday, I was at my ex-boyfriend's room crying my eyes out because the pain was... wow. It was something I've felt before, but this was a little different because it was from someone everyone thinks is an angel and, pretty much, the last person in my world of "people outside my family" who would hurt me that way. You might ask, why am I writing about this? I'm writing about this because I want the world to know that Shit Happens and yes, shit happens. This isn't going to be some blame game where I rant and get pissed off at my ex-boyfriend because that's just... dumb. This is going to be a list of lessons.
(i) Do not ever allow anyone to shake your foundation, especially your worth. There will be so many moments when people test your worth. Remind yourself you're worth so much more. When someone decides to shake this, it's alright. The pain that hit me while i was crying in his room was different and it's all because I felt like my value was stepped on by a person I trusted. Even after we broke up months ago, I continued to trust him. I knew he was compassionate. We weren't talking, but I knew he was a good person so, i had nothing to worry about. Hence, why this hurts so much. I trusted him so much, just for my value to be spat on like I meant nothing.
(ii) The infamous, "you never know what you had until it's gone." Because of what happened, I'm convinced to prove to the world what I'm capable of without crapping on his pride. I felt like my womanhood was being taken advantage of. I'm not going into details because I respect his story, but from my side, that's what I felt and saw. So, the only way for me to ever get back up is to make sure I move towards the right direction. Will I make things worse by using other men as cushions? Will I look for new boyfriends? Will I drink this pain away? Will I pretend everything is okay? Etc. etc. NOPE. I'm choosing the more Badass way of dealing with this. Something was taken away from me, I'm going to give my heart and soul something much greater. They will grow even bigger and better than before.
(iii) Say no to Revenge. Oh, I know what could happen and how much spit can fly towards my face. That's cool. Bring it on. I was talking to one of my best friends, Jocel, about everything. I opened up about my feelings and thoughts. I was being vulnerable with her. She gave me the best responses and I know deep in my heart, I was in good hands. She said, "Ask God to give you a decent man soon. For real though, I honestly believe that's how I ended up with Leo. Qualities I would pray for before, Leo has them." Let me remind you that I'm not a crazy lunatic- I believe every single thing the church says - but... I do believe in Prayer. I do not want to get angry at him. I do not want him to lose his dignity. My ex is a good person and of course, we all have our bad sides, but over-all, he's a good guy. He just hurt one of the people who would move mountains for him and support his whole life until I die... but... shit happens. No revenge towards him, but I will pray. I will pray so damn hard that the guy I'm meant to be with will come around and not give up on me because... well, I'm ready.
Thing is, I want to be in love. When I'm in love, I'm happier. I'm more inspired to do great things. Being loved by someone is powerful and I never knew that before. I was the kind of person who thought Love was dumb and being in love was a lie. It's not. It's great. I finally let go of my negative perception towards love. I need to be given the chance to show this person what I can do and what i've become. I learned that I can still be a hardball and because of that, I know when to let it go and show love instead of aggression. I know I can be harsh, but I also know because of love, I don't have to be so mean. I want to fight for something because I'm capable of change and growth. I can bring meaning into someone else's life. I want the receive the same kind of meaning from him. I know there's so much I can give.
So, yes, I'm ready to give someone something to hold on to. I'm ready to bring down my walls and not be so logical. It's okay to be emotional. I'm ready to be fair and understanding. I can do this. I just need to pray for the opportunity.